[Obama has used this stump speech endorsing Democratic candidates several times. Isn’t he a class act? You can hear his voice as you read it. I cannot believe this guy is our President.]
Thank you for that kind introduction, _EMCEE______, and let me say how good it is to be back here in the __th district of _STATE___ which was so vital in helping us take back Washington in November of 2008. And let me also say that we’ve made a lot of progress thanks to__DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__. Neither I nor the __th district has had a more loyal and hard-working ally in Congress.
As we all know, __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is facing a tough re-election campaign this November. S/he is facing an unprecedented barrage of attacks from outside special interest groups and Wall Street fat cats who want to make this election more about alleged__CANDIDATE_INCIDENT__ than the bread and butter issues that concern everyday voters in the ___th District. Well, we’re not going to let them get away with it. Because the voters here know that when it comes to health care, the environment, and economic development__DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is on their side.
Have we made all the progress we wanted to? Of course not. But we’re working hard every day and moving in the right direction. And make no mistake, this is pretty darn hard work. Now, you see, I like to use a little analogy. The Republicans drove the car into the ditch. [pause for applause]
So now and me and __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ are down there, behind the bumper, sweatin’ and pushin’, trying to get it out. [applause]
It’s all hot, and there’s flies and bugs and so on, and we’re in our flipflops down there in the mud. [applause] Meanwhile__REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his Republican friends are up on the blacktop, sipping on their Slurpees, laughing and telling us to work harder. [laughs, applause]
And don’t even try to point out their horrible driving that put the car in the ditch in the first place, because then they’ll accuse YOU of causing it — even though it was the Republicans who told you to grab the wheel while they torched up the one-hitter. [applause]
Yeah, smooth move there Republicans, especially with that pineapple truck coming down the other side of the highway. Hey scro, I don’t care whose hands were on the wheel – it was your ass in the damned driver’s seat and Hawaii law says it’s YOUR fault. [applause]
It’s all right there in the Driver’s Ed booklet. Which also says you’re supposed to steer INTO the skid, just like I was before you tried to yank it back.
So, whatever, we’re down in the ditch. Instead of thanking you for not totalling the car, the Republicans start up with their upperclassman bullshit. [applause]
You’re like, “come on man, help push it out before the cops get here,” and the Republicans are like, “I don’t give a shit dude, it ain’t my grandma’s car.” And then you remind them that they are the ones who are over 18 and will have to explain why they’re in a car with minors and a trunk full of beer and weed and bashed mailboxes, and they’re like, “Do we know you? Hey, we’re just a couple of passing hitchhikers, man. We’ve never seen you guys before in our lives.”
So instead of trying to argue further with these senior Republican assholes, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and I roll up our sleeves, get down there in the muck, and start working to get the car up out of the ditch so we can get back before 7th period History. [applause]
Meanwhile __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat buddy are up there sucking on their Slurpees, laughing everytime I kill the motor because I’ve never driven a stick. Fuck you, Republicans. I hope you get a brain freeze from your goddamn Slurpees. [applause]
Finally the predicament changes and you see another car coming down the highway. Thankfully it’s not a cop, but kind of an older Chinese-looking surfer guy in a Jeep. Now, it’s a little rusted out but you immediately realize that Jeep has 4 wheel drive, which is the sort of program you really need to get the economic car out of the ditch. [applause]
So you flag the Jeep down and ask the surfer for help. He looks at you and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ up and down, real slow, and the he says, “sure… boys.” Okay, yeah, maybe the whole thing’s getting a little creepy at this point but you’re tired and your flipflops are ruined and you’re running out of getting-out-of-the-ditch options. So you take up a collection to give the Chinese surfer guy some money so he doesn’t get the wrong idea, and guess what? The Republicans claim they spent their last dollar on the fucking Slurpee. [applause]
Luckily there is some weed and beer in the trunk of grandma’s car which seems to satisfy the creepy Chinese surfer guy, and so __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and me drag the chain down in the ditch and hook it to the bumper of the car. Then the Chinese surfer guns the motor on the Jeep and the car starts coming out of the ditch but then you hear a sickening snap and the front bumper comes flying off the car and then you start thinking about how to explain to your grandma why her Maverick is covered in mud and missing a bumper. And guess what? Those Republicans are still sitting on the side of the road, laughing their asses off, still sucking on the Slurpees.[applause]
So you take the chain back down in the ditch and wrap it around the front of the frame and get behind the wheel and start the Maverick, and wave to the Jeep guy, and you both gun your motors, and this time you finally get out of the ditch but you’re still getting the hang of driving a stick, so you knock the Jeep into the ditch and accidentally hit the gas and go flying across the other side of the road into a pineapple field. And now those Republican fuckers are laughing so hard Slurpee is coming out of their noses.
Luckily the pineapple farmer drives by on his tractor and pulls you out, but then he’s like “how come you boys aren’t in school?” And so the creepy Chinese surfer dude says, “it’s alright, sir, I’m their teacher and we’re on a biology field trip. Aren’t we boys?” and all you can do is nod sheepishly because you already have 3 unexcused absences this quarter. [applause]
So then the pineapple farmer leaves and I’m sitting there with __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat fuck Republican buddy, plus now the creepy Chinese surfer dude’s Jeep is wrecked from pulling your grandma’s car out of the ditch, so we’re pretty much obligated to offer him a ride back to Honolulu, which he seems a little too enthusiastic to accept. Then__REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ grabs your car keys and throws him to his friend, the same asshole who drove into the ditch in the first place, and then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ yells “shotgun!”
Oh. Perfect. Now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are sitting in the back of Grandma’s bumperless Maverick, listening to dried clods of volcanic mud hitting inside the economy’s wheel wells, with creepy shirtless Chinese surfer guy between us while__REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ is playing that fucking Jethro Tull 8 track again that I can’t stand. And then surfer guy lights up a one hitter with the weed we gave him for pulling our economy of the ditch, and offers to shotgun me a hit, while — swear to god — he puts his hand on__DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__’s leg.
I mean, holy crap, now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are pretty much freaking out. Good thing at this point that the Republicans had those Slurpees, because now they have to pull the economy over to the side of the road to take a piss. [applause] So we all get out and then I notice that the Republicans have left the keys to the economy on the hood, so while they are pissing out behind the palm tree I grab them. [applause] And then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ sees it and he has the nerve to yell, “hey, give us back the car keys!”
Car keys? We remember what happened when you Republicans had the car keys. This is our grandma’s Maverick, and we’re taking it back, learner’s permit or no learner’s permit. [applause] You Slurpee-sucking Republican fuckers can stay out here and rot with your new creepy surfer boyfriend until a ride comes along because we’re driving now. [applause]
Ha ha ha! [applause]
Aw shit. Hey, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__, do you know how to drive a stick?